Ahh, Christmas in the Jacoby household. It sure is a nightmare.
Now, you might be saying that Christmas was only a couple of months ago. What could I be talking about? Oh no, we’re not talking about December Christmas. This is Christmas in July, a totally different celebration altogether. And what’s that, you say? It’s got to be months and months away? No, the preparations start now, for this most joyous pain-in-the-butt. It’s all about tradition, and tradition needs a proper windup.
We’ve already started practising the Christmas in July carols, and now it’s time for the traditional selection of the Christmas in July tree. The only thing I ask this year is that we call in the professionals. Tree removal companies in Melbourne operate at ALL times of year, up to and including Christmas in July. And this Christmas was enough of a near-miss that I don’t feel comfortable going out there with several unqualified family members and chopping down some massive thing.
Cousin Maybell was the one who found last year’s. It was a huge fir, big enough to hang all the Jacob family traditional decorations. Ironically, it was also Cousin Maybell who almost got her head clocked in when Cousins Herb and Samson hacked away at the thing for hours with their blunt axes and couldn’t tell which was it was falling.
Tree fellers, that’s all I ask. Some professional tree lopping people, so that Christmas in July isn’t ruined by a death in the Jacob family. I’ll call them! I look up all the tree removal arborists for hire in Melbourne, and they can lop down our tree. And hey, maybe the trunk won’t be totally crooked this year, either, because last year Cousin Daryl had to climb to the top to put up the traditional Jacob family star, and he ended up bringing down the entire thing on top of the outhouse while Grandma Ruth was inside.
-Forrest Jacoby Jr.