Christmas is a Time For Safe Lopping

Ahh, Christmas in the Jacoby household. It sure is a nightmare.

Now, you might be saying that Christmas was only a couple of months ago. What could I be talking about? Oh no, we’re not talking about December Christmas. This is Christmas in July, a totally different celebration altogether. And what’s that, you say? It’s got to be months and months away? No, the preparations start now, for this most joyous pain-in-the-butt. It’s all about tradition, and tradition needs a proper windup.

We’ve already started practising the Christmas in July carols, and now it’s time for the traditional selection of the Christmas in July tree. The only thing I ask this year is that we call in the professionals. Tree removal companies in Melbourne operate at ALL times of year, up to and including Christmas in July. And this Christmas was enough of a near-miss that I don’t feel comfortable going out there with several unqualified family members and chopping down some massive thing.

Cousin Maybell was the one who found last year’s. It was a huge fir, big enough to hang all the Jacob family traditional decorations. Ironically, it was also Cousin Maybell who almost got her head clocked in when Cousins Herb and Samson hacked away at the thing for hours with their blunt axes and couldn’t tell which was it was falling.

Tree fellers, that’s all I ask. Some professional tree lopping people, so that Christmas in July isn’t ruined by a death in the Jacob family. I’ll call them! I look up all the tree removal arborists for hire in Melbourne, and they can lop down our tree. And hey, maybe the trunk won’t be totally crooked this year, either, because last year Cousin Daryl had to climb to the top to put up the traditional Jacob family star, and he ended up bringing down the entire thing on top of the outhouse while Grandma Ruth was inside.

-Forrest Jacoby Jr.

To fell or not to fell

To wed, is to to fall. Not the stereotypical wedding mantra but I think it has a certain ring to it. Brock and I have been engaged for three years, officially together for seven and unofficially for nine. We are a largely unremarkable couple. I am a teacher, Brock is an accountant. We cook together every night, watch documentaries and fall asleep on the couch. It is a lovely and simple existence. When we started wedding planning there were no hurdles in our way. I found a beautiful dress, we agreed on a delightful outdoor garden venue and we designed bespoke invites. Melbourne is an easy city to plan a wedding in, access to wedding vendors is second to none. I was rather surprised when the venue called and said they were looking into tree removal, Ashwood apparently suffers from overgrown non native tree species, I told Brock about the call and we decided to go and investigate.

I didn’t know much about gardening at a basic pots and flowers level let alone when it comes to tree removal! Brock spoke to the tree surgeon who said it wouldn’t cause any damage to the surrounding gardens but it needed to be done because the trunk was infected and they didn’t want to run the risk of the infection spreading throughout the woodland. Brock took a real interest in the whole process, as an accountant he doesn’t get much outdoor action so jumped at the opportunity to be involved in tree felling. Melbourne was starting to warm up as summer approached so I cut his workman’s jeans into shorts and sent him on his way to prepare our marital garden. Apparently tree felling is his calling, he has handed in his notice at work and signed up to enroll in an arborist qualification course. My soon to be husband is a soon to be a tree removal specialist!